But not because I wish for the demise of any of those on this list! This list is not written in the spirit of Clarence Darrow’s well-known quote: “I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.” There’s the possibility I might not be around to read all of these. Or any! I may not be around even to finish this piece! Who knows? But that’s life. We take the plunge and keep on taking it. The point is, who does not love sinking their teeth into a meaty obit? And before we get started, allow me to recommend The Dead Beat by Marilyn Johnson.
1. Bob Dylan
Who is more culturally important? No one I can think of. Did his vision of America become the place itself? Well, let’s not get too highfalutin. But his life and work, both often so enigmatic, raise a lot of questions a good obit might answer. Like, why the hell is he still on the road? And, of course, the obit will be laced with bits from his lyrics, like flashing chimes.
2. Elon Musk
He is no mere Henry Ford, but Henry Ford multiplied by some number I do not know. But Elon would know and has probably rattled off the calculation while doing several other things at the same time. Do not forget all those children. There is something otherworldly about him, like he has dropped in from our future. I hope the obit explains how he took us back with him, or how things did not quite work out, perhaps due to atavistic forces he was not quite a match for.
3. Martina Navratilova
What a jock! And with a head on her shoulders! And funny! And one of the all-time greats on the court! I love tennis and, like Martina, possess a tennis racket. We’ll leave the comparison right there. Obit writer—please frame this as a coming-to-America story like other super-talented immigrants before her, e.g., Artur Rubenstein, Enrico Fermi, Greta Garbo, hitting the jackpot and giving in return.
4. King Charles III
Palace insiders and others who usually do not cooperate with obit writers will have to step up for this one. What is it like to live most of your life as a prince? It cannot be that bad, right? But maybe it can. Did he ever put on one of those ridiculous bemedaled costumes and just stare at himself grimly in the mirror? I am betting yes.
5. Hillary Clinton
She and I are about the same age and I think I have a good sense of her, but I’ll have to read the obit to know for sure. Is there a Buster Keaton scene where he is trying to jump from one moving train to another one, but nicer? Is that her? Maybe not. She may not even be a Buster Keaton fan. And now I am starting to think I do not know her at all. Being born in the late 1940s as she was might not have been the best prep—by just a few years—for what was to come, emotionally.
6. Charles Duke or Harrison Schmitt
These are the last of the 12 men who have walked on the moon. Do they dream about it? I sure would, every night. How did it change them? Or were they so highly trained that no mission could? But they had to have felt the vastness of things in a way no one else could. Maybe people will be back on the moon in the next decade. I wonder if either of these two would want to be buried there. It might get lonely. I suppose graveyards are a kind of community.
7. Mel Brooks
He’s only ninety-eight, so I do not expect an obit any time soon. But, it will have laughs in every line. Lots of comedians, comic actors, and comic writers don’t seem particularly joyful, but he sure does. Was he chuckling to himself when the idea for the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles first struck him? And how about the after-sex cigarette scene—a staple of movies of a certain era—in Young Frankenstein, with Peter Boyle and Madeline Kahn? I just know he was amused, but confirmation would be nice.
8. Vladimir Putin
Even if he’s merely one more twenty-first-century despot, this will be a mesmerizing and perhaps sickening obit—but only if his regime crumbles and whatever replaces it opens up all the secret files. That’s what I’m hoping for—the complete life, no secrets. In this case, I’d be happy to read it tomorrow.
9. Clarence Thomas
He took the road less traveled and must have a lot of thoughts that can’t be made public while he’s on the court, or maybe even while he’s alive. I’d be very interested in knowing more about the inner life, but in this case, no hurry. Also, I suspect there will be competing obits, even a—sigh—obit war.
10. Sam Bankman-Fried
This is supposing he survives his sentence. But, if he does get out, we may finally learn whether there are second acts in American life. I hope so. The obit will tell. However, there is always the issue of obit accuracy. I once wrote a novel—Nerve Damage—where a dying man gets to read his own obit and finds a crucial mistake in it that ends up… etcetera, etcetera.
Peter Abrahams is the Edgar Award-winning writer of over forty novels. As Spencer Quinn, he writes the Chet and Bernie mystery series, in which the latest entry, A Farewell to Arfs, comes out August 6. More about him at peterabrahams.com.
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